


all of the while, it was you

by thephanlock



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, I mean, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Beta Read, Stucky - Freeform, They Understand Each Other, it doesn't flow very well, it's a bunch of random scenes, months after civil war, most likely a bit ooc but i'm hoping not, no Civil War Mid-Credits scene, tensions are still high but they're one team, the avengers are back together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 11:17:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7799656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thephanlock/pseuds/thephanlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Late at night, when the rest of the world is asleep, Bucky Barnes wonders what would happen if he packed his bags in the middle of the night and got in a car, destined for who knows where, to live a life away from the chaos that came alongside SHIELD and Hydra and the Winter Soldier and the Avengers and Captain America.<br/>But that's always where the plans stop.<br/>Captain America.<br/>Steve Rogers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	all of the while, it was you

**Author's Note:**

> An un-edited, somewhat random attempt to get back into writing. I'm not too happy with this but I hope you like it anyway. Feedback is appreciated :)  
> Title from "Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop" by Landon Pigg.

**_all of the while, it was you._ **

Late at night, when the rest of the world is asleep, Bucky Barnes finds himself thinking about what would happen if he just _stopped_. Not in the sense of shooting himself in the head and ending it all, or in the sense of turning himself in to Hydra - who, let's face it, would always be looking for him relentlessly - or even in the sense of staying in bed whilst everyone around him went about their day as normal.

No, Bucky wonders what would happen if he packed his bags in the middle of the night and got in a car, destined for who knows where, to live a life in the shadows. Bucky wonders what it would be like to leave it all behind, to live a life away from the chaos that came alongside SHIELD and Hydra and the Winter Soldier and the Avengers and Captain America.

But that's always where the plans stop.

_Captain America._

_Steve Rogers._

Steve Rogers, the one who would never stop looking for him, who didn’t stop looking for him even when everyone around him was convinced that he was a lost cause. Steve Rogers, the one who still believed that, even in his darkest days, at least a fragment of Bucky was worth saving, was still able of being saved. Steve Rogers, the one who searched for him for two full years, tearing apart the Avengers to keep him out of harm's way.

Steve Rogers, who never gave up on Bucky, even when pretty much everyone else had.

Bucky could never disappoint Steve like that. He could never put him through any more pain than he had already faced, especially when it could be so easily avoided.

And so, when the Avengers facility was in darkness, Bucky Barnes would tiptoe down to the third floor, to the room with the excessively-large television and dull his thinking with a TV programme. It didn't matter what it was, all that mattered was that it was mind-numbing enough and simple enough so that he didn't need to focus too hard to understand what was going on, but so that he could still stop thinking about how suffocating it felt to be burdened with the new title of an 'Avenger'.

That night, the clock on his bedside table reads nine minutes to two when he finally ventures downwards in the elevator, after tossing and turning for what felt like decades beneath his duvet. Inside the lift, the once-loud music of mainstream pop and rock had now been switched for the smooth and soft tones of a piano, another indication that he was up far later than he should be. Still, Bucky appreciates the subtle change, always favouring quieter and slower music.

A few moments later, the doors of the elevator open and Bucky takes a step out, gradually feeling the tension within him starting to lessen as his body already begins to relax. However, as quickly as he had calmed himself down from the frustration of not being able to sleep, he is suddenly anxious, on edge once more. In the distance, he can hear the faint sound of the TV, still playing, even though he’s pretty certain everyone had gone to bed hours ago.

Cautiously, he ventures towards the sound, now very aware of his surroundings and preparing for a fight.

"Hey," A voice whispers from the semi-darkness, making Bucky jump a little. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you." Steve says, stepping closer to Bucky now so that his eyes could focus on him properly, tearing through the darkness to reveal a familiar smile. "Couldn't sleep?" With a slight shake of his head, Bucky saunters towards the sofa that sat in front of the television, taking up the majority of the space in the room. Barely a beat later, Steve joins him, sitting beside his best friend.

"No," Bucky replies, his head turning to face Steve now. “I don’t know, feels suffocating here sometimes.” He continues, surprising not only Steve but himself. It was beyond unusual for Bucky to confess things like this to anyone but he supposed Steve was an exception, he always had been. Steve had always been able to get Bucky to open up to him willingly, without really doing anything at all.

“I know what you mean, ” Steve says with a shrug of his shoulders. “It’s just… a _lot,_ I guess. It certainly wasn’t like this back in our day, was it?” The pair of them chuckle and all of a sudden, Bucky feels _lighter,_ as though he wasn’t losing his mind for feeling the way he did because someone else felt the same.

Someone finally understood him.

“You can say that again, I’ll never get used to that god damn voice.” Bucky admits with a smile. “It’s _everywhere,_ creeps on me on the worst of times.”

“Tell me about it, I was in the shower just yesterday and I jumped out of my skin!” Steve shoots back, the pair of them in fits of giggles now even though the situation wasn’t all that funny. That is before Bucky remembers that it is now two o’clock in the morning and everyone else is still asleep, pressing a finger to his lips and halfheartedly shushing his friend.

Perhaps it’s the brief case of insomnia that had caused the uncontrollable laughter, perhaps it’s the fact that they weren’t _supposed_ to be laughing now as it was _far_ too early to be so loud, perhaps it’s the idea of Steve _literally jumping out of his skin_ that they found so hilarious, or maybe it’s because Steve’s laugh had always been so unbelievably contagious.

Probably the latter.

Either way, it’s two hours later when they both retreat back to their bedrooms, calmer and tired, ready for a quick sleep before training.

* * *

“What’s got you so distracted?” Natasha says the next day, teeth gritted and fists still raised in defense. For a moment, it almost looks like she’s going to sit down and have a chat with him but Bucky knows Natasha better than that by now, ducking out of the way to dodge a flying fist just moments before it would have hit his cheek.

“Nothing. Just tired.” He mutters, voice low and unintentionally harsh. With a few more punches and the occasional kick, Nat has Bucky pinned to the mat, looming over him as his wrists are trapped beneath her hands.

“I’m not dropping this, Barnes. Whatever it is, I _promise_ you, I will find out eventually.” She says with a smirk, before offering him a hand and helping him off of the floor. Just a few seconds later, she’s walking out the door with a determined look on her face, leaving Bucky stood on the training mat, both still in shock and a little worried.

* * *

 

It becomes a regular occurrence, an unspoken arrangement between the pair of them that if the other can’t sleep, they will both go downstairs and watch television until the dull ache within them, from whatever is bothering them this time, subsides for a while.

Things still aren’t perfect - far from it - tensions between Steve and Tony are still high but after months, things seem to be getting less strained. Bucky is still getting help from T’Challa to untangle the web Hydra knitted in his head and Steve is trying his hardest not to get frustrated. Progress is slow but it seems to be working. There are days Bucky bares his soul to Steve, and vice versa, but there are also days in which the pair of them say nothing at all, sitting on the sofa in comfortable silence.

So, no, things aren’t perfect, they could never be but for now, they’re _enough._

* * *

 

A week or so later is when it dawns on Bucky that he has been having dreams, which had been nothing but nightmares or blackness in a long time. And with that little thought, hope is seeping back into his heart a little for the first time in seventy years. Today, he thinks, is the first day he doesn’t feel like bolting out the door and making a run for it so that’s a good sign, right?

He tells T’Challa the next day.

He looks pleased with the development.

* * *

 

“No but you should have seen her face,” Bucky chortles one night when the pair of them can’t sleep and the Sun is preparing to rise again, Steve sat beside him, smiling. “She looked at me like I’d slapped her!” He continues, recounting a double date gone wrong when Steve’s girl had abandoned him and Bucky had decided that would be the end of it. As soon as he had noticed Steve was alone, he’d walked over to his date, told her they were leaving and the pair of them had spent the rest of the night back at their apartment, laughing about the whole thing as they were doing now.

“I’m gonna guess she was a little irritated?” Steve replies, unable to keep the grin off of his lips, the corners of his eyes crinkling as the smile reaches them. “Remind me why I love you?” He laughs but the sound dies in his throat, as Bucky freezes beside him, the words he’d just said finally setting in.

“I need you to be honest with me now,” Bucky begins, steeling himself for the conversation ahead. He can see the instant Steve’s smile starts to drop off of his face, wavering a little with doubt. It breaks Bucky’s heart. “Are you in love with me?”

With a deep breath, Steve decides that it’s now or never, if he’s ever planning on telling Bucky how he feels, it may as well be now. In their profession, they may never get another chance.

“Yes.” He replies, his answer firm. He’d be damned if, after all that time, this is when he chooses to back down from a fight.

Meanwhile, Bucky worries the whole world can hear his heart hammering wildly in his chest.

“I’m not who I was back then, Steve.” He says, a warning tone latching onto his words. A warning that if they went down this path, opened this door completely, they wouldn’t be able to go back.

“I know that,” Steve shoots back, interrupting Bucky’s spiralling thoughts. “And it’s fine. It’s more than fine, I’m not the same person, either. That doesn’t change anything I’ve just said. Unless you want it to, that is?”

“I don’t want it to, I wanted you to know that, I just,” He starts, before taking a deep breath and running his fingers through his hair in frustration. He’d never been good at talking about his feelings and now, when it really mattered, he couldn’t seem to put the right words into the right order. “I needed to tell you, I’m not, oh for the love of-” He cuts himself off, unsure of how to use words to describe how he feels.

In the end, he settles for pressing his lips to Steve’s.

It takes a moment for Steve to realise he’s being kissed, before he’s kissing Bucky back just as intensely as Bucky is kissing him. Without even realising he’d done so, Steve finds the palms of his hands cupping the sides of Bucky’s face, pulling him closer as though the distance between them, although it was almost non-existent, was too much. Strong arms wrap around Steve’s waist and tugged, pulling Steve onto Bucky’s lap to straddle him.

Only pulling away to breathe, Bucky rests his forehead against Steve’s as he whispers,

“I’m in love with you too, punk.”

“Jerk.” Steve smirks, still a little out of breath as he looked into Bucky’s eyes but unable to resist the taunt. With a chuckle, he leans back in.

And if they fall asleep on that couch a few hours later with the noise of some random comedy show about the NYPD running in the background, it’s not hurting anybody.

And if Natasha sees the pair of them sleeping, Steve’s head resting on Bucky’s shoulder, she doesn’t say anything. Instead, she just keeps the victorious and satisfied smirk on her face so that Barnes can see it when they’re sparring later on, making sure he knows that if Natasha wants to know something, she’ll find out eventually.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on tumblr - http://itsfairytalewishes.tumblr.com/  
> Any and all feedback is appreciated, especially on how to make the characterisation more accurate, just please don't be too mean! :)


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